Architects Converge on National Mall; Protest Incomprehensibly

In a colossal feat of organization, over 300,000 architects recently converged to protest on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. While undoubtedly the most stylish protest in recent years, the actual purpose of the event remains unclear.

Ostensibly sparked by the publication of a new manifesto by French theorist Grand Cerveau Francophone titled "The End of the Beginning of the First Third", the protest raged for nearly three hours before architects began to settle into nearby coffee shops to look pensive and smoke.

In his manifesto, Monsieur Francophone claims that "the physical matter of architecture trangresses postcolonial social idioms, transposing an ontological condition where the existence of the architect as a being comes into question."

It remains unclear exactly how this claim could spark a protest of this magnitude, largely because most analysts have no idea what it means. However, in a profession founded on an impenetrable and nonsensical vernacular, it has had quite an impact.

"I'm really against not existing." explained one brooding architect as she frantically sketched an inspiring mullion detail on a nearby Starbucks.

Another architect, principal of the well known firm "hppRthanTHouarchitecture" and reknown designer of hundreds of unbuilt projects, offered his own explanation for the protest. "Well, of course we're here to transgress deterministic positivists, in the hopes that our latent post-humanist tendencies will generate whimsical penetrations in our posteriors."

While explanations like these strangely inspire a sense of nausea, they do use many "designy" buzzwords. This alone appears to be adequate to work this 300,000 strong crowd of sketching divas into a tizzy, however they shed little light for the everyman.

"Just when I think I understand their point," said one bystander, "they begin 'transgressing the metanarratives' and I'm lost again. Man, I'm a dumbass!"

Eminent linguist and social scientist, Dr. Len Guistic commented on the difficulty of understanding the purpose of this protest. "Many professions have specialized languages, commonly referred to as jargon. While at best, jargon is a kind of shorthand for the efficient exchange of complex information within a field, it can become a crutch that enables practitioners to acquire the guise of professional competence while in effect simply masking the sad reality that they are fundamentally inept. In this form jargon becomes a profound form of institutionalized bullshit."

Apparently, architectural jargon goes a long way toward bewildering professional outsiders. According to Dr. Guistic, the insiders may be just as confused. After today's protest, this sad possibility is brought into sharp focus.

Brick with Identity Crisis Wants to Be a Clown; Undergoing Treatment

"What does a brick want to be?" This question is perhaps the epitome of the architectural psyche in the last half of the twentieth century. Posed by reknown architect Louis Kahn, this infamous question expresses the intimate, almost sexual, connection most architects aspire to have with their building materials. It is a question that has heretofore only been answered by architects. And as architect John Schlongson will tell you, "anyone who's not a philistine dumbass knows a brick wants to be 'an arch'".

However, today that answer seems to be in doubt. For several years there has been growing unrest in the masonry community regarding identity and liberation issues. Resentment hinges on the presumption that architects, in their self-appointed status as arbiters of brick consciousness, can simply speak their unsubstantiated will and mold the identity of millions of bricks across the nation.

Some bricks just aren't having it.

"Nobody ever really asked me what I want to be." said Mr. Common Brick, currently residing in public school #32 and withstanding a distributed load of 10 kips per foot. "If you'd really like to know, I've always wanted to be a clown. They bring so much joy to the world. All a brick can do is withstand compressive forces. That's nice and all, but to make a child laugh...that's where it's at."

It is vocal opposition like this that has brought this situation to a boil and mobilized the architectural community. Led by Mr. Schlongson, in an unprecedented move, 250 common bricks were removed from walls, arches, and patios across the nation, and submitted to intensive therapy and psychological reprogramming.

When asked about the difficulty of finding a psychologist willing to administer psychological treatment to inanimate objects, Mr. Schlongson replied, "I won't kid you, it was really hard to find someone with credentials. Then we got an application from some guy who spent over 15 years at the Valley View Psychiatric Hospital, and we knew we found our man."

The Downspout managed to contact Mr. Schlongson's man, one Dr. Seymour Douche, for brief comment. Currently in residence at the above mentioned psychiatric hospital, he was permitted to take calls from non-family members on Tuesdays from 1-2 pm.

"Well, I've never actually given therapy to an inanimate object before. But I'm certainly up for the challenge. Plus, geezboot zip kablowie I loves the bricks!!!" The conversation was abruptly terminated by what we can only presume was the sound of genitalia slapping against the receiver.

Whether John Schlongson's strategy will pay off remains to be seen. In the architecture world, the battle for dominance is often at odds with the search for justice, and as bricks everywhere are beginning to see, it takes a lot more than a prissy sense of entitlement to get inside their heads.